As camp is coming to an end, I am filled with the usual mixed emotions. I am more than ready to reintegrate into community and to have a bathroom that does not smell like stale urine but will greatly miss the lifestyle (and help) at camp. Since most are not familiar with what we do, here is a typical day for us at camp

700 boys rise and put on pirate gear
730 Cherly Anne (our nanny and dear friend) arrives
800 breakfast in the dining hall
830 play in woods by dining hall
900 morning Chapel
945-1030 play somewhere on camp
1030 snack time (cheezets) at the ranch house (where the campers get their snacks)
1030-1230 pool, sandbox, play around camp, library, or some other random activity
1230 lunch in dining hall
130 come home and eat popcycles
200 watch "Calliou"
230-430 naps
430-515 still a depressing time of day for me....even with help
515 Daddy time for the boys
600 dinner in dining hall
700 pirate skit at chapel
745-830 ready for bed
830 bedtime

So that is pretty much our summer for the most part. I love routine so this really works well with me. It is also nice being able to eat meals with Jeremy and see him throughout the day. It has been a fabulous summer. The boys play so hard and are incredibly dirty...as they should be. It brings me so much joy to see them running around in the woods playing pirates, knights, or camp (K likes to be a camper and C likes to play "Jeremy White the camp director" which in his mind consist of spraying wasp nests and talking to homesick campers:) There are so many things about life here I will miss, but perhaps the most (besides Cherly Anne) is the freedom the boys have to run and play.

Camp Care

 
 
 
 

Two night ago, my older boys participated in a camp wide activity with two cabins of children ages 6-8 who have been struck by cancer. Some are in remission, others currently in treatment, others are the siblings. Camp Care has been coming to Lurecrest for over 20 years. They bring their team of doctors, nurses, goofy clowns w big hats, musicians and child life specialist to create a week of camp for these sick kids...a week where a bald head is not glanced at twice...a week where everyone in your cabin is receiving some type of medicines....a week that allows these kids to do what cancer often robs them of...being children.

I love Camp Care. I love their energy. I love their staff. They all have a story. Many of the staff have lost a child to cancer or are cancer survivors themselves. They bring a huge dose of reality to our summer yet with such joy. I love seeing these bald kids, not hooked up to IV's but swimming in the pool, singing goofy songs, eating ice cream.

During one of the music times....a nurse, who I now consider a friend, was telling me about the different kids and all their stories. It took everything in me not to loose it. It was evening, the sun was setting behind the mountains, all the kids were lining up doing the "locamotion" around the chapel...a typical camp summer evening, and I was allowed access to parts of the stories of these kids, it really was heartbreaking. One little boy has had cancer since he was "months old," another the treatment caused his eye to fall down into his cheek (he has been on hospice for three years now....and is a star here as he has survived the odds once again), another the treatment has grossly stunted his growth. As I looked around the chapel that night, I was struck at the resilence of these childrens hearts. They are not letting cancer destroy them...not who they really are. I also deeply mourned at how fast they have had to grow up and the experiences they have had to endure at such a young age.

I am thankful that my boys will be exposed to Camp Care and to see that hard things happen but there is joy in it. I hope it will sew on their hearts a knowledge that this world can not be all there is...it is too painful. I hope it will point them to Jesus to help make sense of so much suffering. I love seeing them with these kids...they have no clue they are different...they have not even asked about the boy with the drooped eye (and they have seen him)....they just see them all as kids. Keller told me that the camp care campers were his favorite so far...when I asked why, he said "because they really have fun." wow....there is alot to be learned watching these kids.

 
 
 
 

I was a great parent....
before I became one. I had alot of ideals about the type of parent I would become, the type of children I would have...the model home we would be for others to learn from....HAH!
Since June of 2005, I have only seen more and more of my own sin and my chidrens sin nature surface and have more than once been "that mom" that I swore I would never become.

Tonight, all three boys were in bed at 745, by 750, I could hardly keep my eyes open. The past three days have been difficult dealing with extreme emotional outbursts from both the older boys and myself. It is wearing. As I was contemplating why mothering is so difficult, I was thinking there has to be a reason God designed this as He did. It seems that most mothers have control issues, in general we are not as fun as dads, and we are so deeply tired-emotionally, physically, spiriutally and mentally. Some days (most days) I feel as if all I am doing is saying "no, dont do..." "make a good choice" or pointing out some other folly...usually in the vein of " YOU HAVE GOT TO GET MORE CONTROL OF YOURSELF!!!" ..hmmm I wonder who else should listen to these words?

In fact, feeling convicted that all my children were hearing was the wrong they were doing, I decided to start singing them this song...in hopes to prevent too much future counseling...

"I love you when you're good
I love you when you're bad
I love you when you're happy
I love you when you're mad
I love you when you're up
I love you when you're down
I love you when you smile
I love you when you frown
There is NOTHING (yell) you can EVER EVER DO
to keep your MOMMY from LOVING LOVING YOU"

feel free to use it as well....I am not planning on copywriting it:)

If nothing else, I hope the boys know my love is based on their position not their condition.

I can see that through these difficult times, this is exactly why God gave me the children He did, and why he set up motherhood like He did...if it were, EASY I would not need to rely on Him. It would be very easy to go through days with no need for strength, patience and WISDOM. I would be much more prideful in my own skills as a parent. These past five years have drastically reduced my judgment on other parents. I know how hard it is, I have been that angry, I have yelled that loudly, I have cried that hard, I have had that kid....and I am thankful for that...I am thankful that i truly can see motherhood as a high and strenous and REDEMPTIVE calling and we ALL have our issue and our children ALL have their issues and I really believe that the perfect parent is the one who recognizes she is not. If not for this God ordained set up, I would have also be blind to the stagent pool of sin in my heart, that has gushed forth like a waterfall since becoming a mommy. I have seen sides of me I never knew existed. The best part is that the extreme is on the other side as well...I have loved more than I ever knew possible, cried over the emotion I have for these boys and can physically feel my adoration for them in my heart....sometimes the daily difficulties seem to trumph this....which brings me back to our need for a God in the middle of mothering. A need for a God to pray to for wisdom as I am (once again) asking K for the 100th time to make a good choice...a need for a God to remind me that though I may not like these boys at this moment, they are THE most precious gift I have....a need for a God to remind me that these boys are not my identity, HE is....a need for a God to say "as much has you have sensed and seen your sin, I have know it was there all along and yet, I love you even more than you can begin to imagine.....a need for a God to remind me that....I love you when you're good, I love you when you're bad.....there is NOTHING you can ever ever do, to keep me from LOVING LOVING YOU" ....and this is why we need to preach the gospel to ourselves on a daily basis.

Keep Austin Weird

Having just returned from my brothers wedding in Austin, I was reminded of how un-cool Charlotte is...or maybe how cool Austin is. Not that I dont love Charlotte. It is the perfect place to raise a family, it is safe, it is absolutely beautiful...but it is not "cool." Austin on the otherhand, is a great mix of amazing music, hippy, green, cowboy, organic, retro, modern, and a college town. It is also a town of (seemingly) "in shape" people. Lance Armstrong definitely has a bike following there. I cant even count the number of women I saw over the age of 40 with biker legs and cut arms.

We spent a large amount of time consuming beef (as we usually do in texas),Tex-Mex,and beer. Jeremy discovered a place called "Frank Groceries" where he got a bloody mary which took him about 45 min to describe to me. He, Nathan, my dad, and our old army friends, spent the better part of the morning there. The bloody mary came with bacon in it, in addition to a jalapeno, cheese and olive... Jeremy also had dark chocolate covered bacon to wash down his fajita with. Immediately afterwards, they somehow found room in their stomachs for ice cream.

The wedding was amazing. We loved seeing Colin and Misty and all their friends. We stayed until 1230 am (late for me) dancing and enjoying our family. On our way back to the hotel, I was exhausted. Jeremy and Nathan decided this would be the perfect time for pizza. So we drove though downtown Austin, sat in traffic (yes, traffic at almost 1am) and got the pizza....it made me realize how far I am from college when I saw a group of people coming out of a parking deck, to BEGIN their night.

The next morning, we tried to go to Frank's again, but they were not open. What were we thinking??? It was 9am. Whe should have stopped by at 2am. They were open then.

Boarding the plane, I was very excited to see the boys, to see Charlotte, and to know, no matter how old I get, Austin will always be weird.

what porter eats

i would like to say this dirt is from outside...but alas, he licked it off the kitchen floor.



I have been meaning to post for awhile about the many items I have located in my third childs mouth. I know all babies mouth things, but this seems to be Porters strong point. This morning, I have already found him sucking on batteries he somehow got out of the sound machine. Yesterday at the beach, he spent a fair amount of time sucking on a seashell full of sand like it was a sugary lollipop. I suppose with Keller I would have freaked out and googled all the items that have entered his digestive tract, but experience has lessened my concern. I can spot from across the room when P is sucking on something. He gets this intense look on his face and a purse to his lips. My routine is to go squeeze his cheeks together and the enticing item usually pops right out.. One day I saw him crawling past me at full speed with Jeremy's dirty underwear in his mouth. Later that day, I had changed his diaper then ran to strap C in the van, by the time I returned to retrieve Porter, he was sucking on the diaper...nice.

P's first time to taste salmon, cornbread, cookies and raisons have all been grazing under the chairs of his brothers
He loves the food but is not scared to try more organic items like dirt, seashells, rocks (a favorite), sand clumps and leaves. By far the most disturbing thing I have found in his oral cavity happened at the park one day. I noticed the lips beginning to purse and cheeks suck inward...I ran over did my cheek squeeze and out slides an old cigarette butt...nice one P.

TODAY

Today I...
. wore a cute outfit for an hour and 45min before chaning into running shorts and a tshirt
. got vomit on that tshirt from son #2, changed into first shirt i found in the dryer..dressy shirt that I kept on w running shorts
. spanked a son bc of refusal to wear sneakers v crocks that are two sizes too big
.had to hose off my baby son in the tub bc of all the poop-almost reached the back of his neck...regret that blackbean decision
. watched my son scooter to the park wearing cowboy boots and shorts (no shirt)
.watched my other son bike to the park wearing a wool pirate jacket and long black pants (85degrees)
.watched my baby roll down the stairs of our deck onto cement stepping stones, only to get up laughing
.caught this same baby literally as he was falling backwards from the step in our tub onto the floor
. went outside w K wearing my running shorts, purple running socks,"dressy"tshirt, put on the only shoes I had downstairs-a pair of flats. Of course, ran into a neighbor and visited for 20mins
.saw K almost get hit by a car
.took a bite of chocolate after C had some forgetting he threw up today
.looked the other way when my oldest peed at the park today
.bent down at least 1000 times from picking up everything from costumes to cowboys boots to crackers on the floor
.watched all three boys crawling on the ground chasing each other and laughing

TODAY. Today was a good day.

When cute kids get awkward

I have always loved the word "awkward" because it really is so awkward to spell. How fitting.
I have also always loved how "awkward" my kids look in goggles...actually most kids I guess but in particular the boys look ultra-awkward because it is the only swim gear they are sporting.

Speaking of awkward. Junior high boys. I must confess when I see boys in this stage, I sort of have a gross feeling in my stomach and cringe. I think "gross boy feet." I just cant believe these sweet feet that I can fit in my mouth, will one day induce vomiting with the mere sight of them. All the more reason to try to savor the now.

In the Now

"mommy, you are my best mommy..i want to marry you, then i will marry a monster." This is one of the last things Coleman said tonight as we were snuggling in his bed. Of course, my heart melted then became confused at the monster part...but sense is generally lacking in most three year olds dialogue.

A couple of weeks ago, I was playing a game which the question posed was "what is something that always makes you cry?" I did not even have to think twice about it. Hands down, it is those forwarded emails written by a mother looking back at the time when her children were young and the perspective she wished she had. I literally can feel my heart when I read these. I am a feeler. I am in the moment. I am aware...at least in theory that I should be aware. I try not to look to the next thing, but to enjoy what or who is in front of me. This may have to do with being an army brat. Moving every two years, I did not have time to waste making friends. You made them and made them fast. Community was built as quickly as the house became once again our home...pictures and curtains hung within three days of arriving. Live in the now, the future will change fast.

I do struggle with contentment in many if not most areas of my life. It is also a daily, hourly, actually minute by minute mental decision to just be with my kids. However, I can say that I really can't see how life can get any better than it is now. My friend Sarah and I were talking of this the other day. Yes, life is CRAZY and I am constantly having to repent of how I am sinning against my children (that's another post...or book:) and more often than not I feel that my goal is controlled chaos not eliminating chaos and I am the insane lady in the middle yelling at everything in my path...but man, it is just as sweet as it is crazy.

I know these boys wont be cuddling with me for long, or telling me I am their best mommy...or really just wanting to talk to me. I know there will be a day when they care about someone elses opinion above mine, and wont share their hearts with me, or be so excited to spend the day together, ask me to come play pirates with them, help them put on costumes (20x a day), read books to them, fight over who gets to sit on mommy's lap, ask me what I've been eating when we cuddle because our faces are so close together. There will be a day when they will know what they are doing tomorrow apart from my telling them, when they will be able to fall asleep without our goodnight routine, when they will color a picture, put together a puzzle, and do a wheelie on their bike without even thinking to tell me about it.
There will also be a day when they will be able to understand the longing we all have to be cared for, to feel safe, to feel deeply loved in the mundane everyday minutes of just being. I still remember the feeling of my dad carrying me to bed, and I still long for that sense of safety of someone always aware and engaged, that sense of being at home. However, I now understand this longing is not contained in just my heart, it is beyond me. It is the longing of all of us to be loved completely, to be absolutely delighted in and for a home that makes us long no more. Perspective allows me to see my desire for my boys to know how delighted they are not just to us, but to HIM as well.

Christmas Pictures

 

 

 

 

Some more of our vacation...and no, for those of you who know my view of animals...the humor was not wasted when my boys decided they loved and wanted that cat.

Christmas Pictures

Now that it is practically Easter, here are some Christmas pictures. We were in San Antonio with my family. Jessica gave the boys these great airplanes from the amazing store she works at in houston. They loved them. My cousin came with his two boys as well. They loved playing with their "cousins."

Nature Museum

Another dreary day. We decided to head out to the nature museum. We had not been there in many months, so I knew the boys would have fun. All morning the boys talked about how excited they were to go. I had to wake up Porter from his morning nap to give us enough time there. We drove in the pouring rain and arrive. It was not crowded at all which was perfect since my boys usually require alot of space. We had been there no less than five minutes when Porter needed a diaper change. We all four go to the bathroom and he has pooped all over his pants and onesie. With Keller, I of course, would have had several extra outfits to chose from, I was lucky to even have a wipe with Porter. I get him cleaned, we go out to the water area, and he throws up....it was not projectile throw up just a bit, in fact I convinced myself it was mere spit-up. There was no way I was going to leave and have to deal with the boys screams of going home. Plus, I was able to hold Porter most of the time so he stayed clear of mouthing objects. The boys discovered the butterfly room- an atrium which is warm, calm and full of butterflies. They LOVED it in there. I tried to explain the warmth was to replicate a tropical forest or jungle. As I was attempting to draw attention to the butterflies, they start screaming that they are jungle men and suddenly (not kidding, at the same time) start singing as loud as they can "welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games, live like an animal...nananananan....I WANNA HEAR YOU SCREAM!!!"

My sister taught them that Guns-n-roses song over Christmas and thought it was hilarious when they would sing it, which of course, only prompted them all the more.

I really could not stop laughing at this point...butterflies just can't compete with Axel Rose.

Picky, Picky

We had a wonderful Christmas vacation. After a week in Texas, we flew back on a friday and left that Saturday to Greenville, SC to see Jeremys brother Andy, his wife Kim and Grandpa and Lulu-who made the long DRIVE from Dallas. Saturday morning, Jeremy's other brother Matt, his wife Babe, and their kids were driving from Greenville back to Ohio where they live. Since we missed them during the visit, we decided to meet at a Chic-fil-a in Gastonio. There we hear the story of their boys Isaac (7 1/2) and Ian (4 1/2) playing with silly puddy and throwing it on a wall in Kim and Andy's house. Now, the thing about Kim and Andy's house is twofold.
1. It is NEW (clean) 2. there are no kids (though this will change this summer:)

So Uncle Andy walks in sees the greasy marks left on the walls from the boys throwing the puddy and...well is not too happy about it. The story told from Kim's viewpoint was even better....I believe there may have been a quote along the lines of "did you WANT to ruin walls????!!!!"

So we all got a good laugh at this. Luckily, I am a seasoned enough parent to NOT think "my kid would never....."

We arrive in Greenville, love their new new clean clean place and get settled in.

Naptime. I tell Keller goodnight, close his door, go downstairs. A couple of hours later, I go upstairs and enter the bathroom my family is sharing. I see a NEW CLEAN soft white bathmat....with a huge brown stain smack dab in the middle. Keller, apparantly, used the potty, wiped with not alot of passion, then sat down on the rug to put his underwear on...leaving a nice reminder of where his butt had been. With the story of Isaac and Ian running through my head, I descend the stairs with shame to tell of yet another kid stain in the house....oh and did I mention they just moved into this house? New paint, new walls, new EVERYTHING...and now will need another new bathmat.

Fastforward to bedtime. Jeremy and I are putting the boys down, Jeremy is singing to them then stops mid-song...

"WHAT IS THAT??? KELLER!!!"
We all look to see the offense.

"IS THAT A BOOGER!!!!"

keller "yes."

Keller in desperation during his nap, could think of no better place for his booger to live than on the new walls at Uncle Andy's house. Jeremy, in desperation to scrape it off, not only removes paint but part of the wall as well.

I was mortified. Keller apologized "I am sorry I put my bugga on de wall uncle andy"
Andy and Kim were counting down the minutes until we left.

The White Boys Christmas Pagent

This is what I overheard this morning:

K "Coleman, let's play the christmas story."
oohhh how sweet, usually they only act out the bible stories that involve some sort of fight
C "I want to be a soldier."
K "There are no soldiers in the Christmas story!"
C "BUT I WANT TO BE A SOLDIER!!!"
K "you CANT!"
C "ok, i'll be a shepherd-soldier-with-an-ax."
hmmm dont recall that character.
K "ok"

This should have been my first clue that this was not going to be the typical Bethleham, birth of our saviour story.

K "I"m King Herod. Come kill me!"
K "Dont REALLY ax me, just pretend ax me!"

They then proceed to alternate between the roles of Herod and the soldier-shepherd-killer-with-an-ax parts. My presence was requested upon each killing, where I would witness "Herod" slayed on the couch with his eyes closed.

I think this version may be somewhere in Luke, but I cant recall....